Have you ever spent all your nights and days making dua for one specific thing? I mean crying your eyes dry in the darkness of the night, asking Allah to give you something? I have!
And alhamdhulillah, by the infinite Mercy of Allah, He (swt) answered my dua. She’s called Yusra.
This is a deeply personal post and I didn’t think I could ever have written about it. But I want to now; for other sisters who might be feeling what I felt. It’s about being a wife, a woman and not being able to have children. For various reasons: cultural/societal, family, individual desire, as women we want children. It’s an innate human need.
But when this want or need becomes desperation it can lead to unhappiness. Over time you can even start to resent yourself. I’m not saying every woman feels like this. But I did. Not always, but I had my moments.
So here’s my story. It took me just over 5 years to conceive. In which time I made lots of visits to the hospital, had tons of tests done. And if anyone is aware of the NHS in the UK, it was a very lengthy process. I hate hospitals. I’m not a great fan of talking to medical professionals and especially about personal female related things. But it had to be done. SubhanAllah, I can’t truly express how scared I used to be the night before each appointment. After many checks, embarrassing conversations, nasty treatments and painful surgery the doctors finally told me they didn’t know what was wrong. It could take a few months or many years for me to conceive. Or never!
But this post isn’t about the medical side of things. This is about a woman’s heart. A heart that at times can deal with all the world and its burden but at other times it just stops and cries. And nothing in the entire world can wipe away those tears. That’s how I had become. I was at an awkward age where I felt time was clicking away. I was surrounded by all these lovely sisters who held their beautiful babies when I met them. And I had family members who never actually said anything about me not having a baby, but I knew they would look at me thinking what’s up with her. It might have all been in my head, but it was there. And I was living with it daily.
Not having much confidence whilst growing up didn’t help, and then with an addition of yet another thing that made me feel there was something ‘wrong’ with me. It was extremely silly of me to look at things this way but when we are at our weakest and shaytan is constantly whispering to divert our intentions, we can think in all sorts of silly ways.
As the years went by the pain somehow got worse. I mean the heartache. I think what hurt the most was knowing that because of me my husband was losing out on being a father. That feeling of not being able to give someone something, something that would bring them happiness, that can become very burdening. Like most men, my husband isn’t very expressive. He never actually said much about this, which I think at times made me feel worse even though I knew I was reading too much into it. But alhamdhullillah he was there. He was there on those nights I would cry my eyes out and blabber on about being sad.
Although it was a test for both of us, I think I was the weaker one, therefore I didn’t deal with it very well. But as the heartache increased so did my duas. And that’s what I want to share here. Through this journey of seeking motherhood, I now realise Allah gave me the perfect opportunity to gain closeness to Him (swt). This closeness didn’t come about based purely on my desire for a child. But it was the realisation of Allah’s Mercy, Kindness and Plans that brought about a closeness. I made it a point to not only look for specific duas but to read the translation and the tafsir. Through doing this I learnt so much about how the pious Prophets were tested in the same way. I remember one night crying so much from reading about Prophet Ayyub (as) losing all 14 of his children overnight that the pages of my mus’haf got wet.
What I didn’t realise is that the more I read about the prophets and their tests the heaviness in my heart decreased. Sounds extremely selfish, but for the first time in my life I was truly able to appreciate that the prophets were also human and carried the same emotions you and I do. I’m not saying that before this I thought they were all magical creatures that felt no pain. But I think I used to think they were able to deal with it better so maybe didn’t feel as much pain. But the truth is they did, but what made them better is their steadfastness. They never doubted Allah’s Decree and continued to make dua.
The first 10 odd verses of surah Maryam brings me a level of comfort that nothing else does. Reciting them and then reading about Zakariyyah’s (as) plea to Allah for an heir – subhanAllah my heart understands that plea, it feels the pain in the words. And so the more time I spent learning from the Quran about how Allah tested His (swt) prophets with the test of childlessness, the better I was able to keep myself composed when I felt sad. My heart still felt pain, but it no longer felt stupid. I loved my Creator more than ever for allowing me to be tested in this way.
Not being able to have children doesn’t make you any less of a woman. That is probably one of the most important lessons to learn when understanding tests and tribulations, that it isn’t the test that determines who you are but the way we react is what makes us who we are! As Muslims, no matter what comes our way we must remain firm on our belief in being a servant of Allah, and that is our only true identity.
Alhamdhulillah, Allah showered His Mercy upon me and granted me a child but it doesn’t mean I am no longer tested. We must know that until the last breath we take we will be tested. We can be tested in all kinds of ways in life, but we will be tested. Some of us are tested in matters of money, others with health and sadly many of our ummah are tested with the severity of absolute tyrant rulers.
If you’re a sister experiencing anything similar to what I did, then please know my dearest sister, you’re not alone. Know that many before us were tested in the same way and know that others who may have been blessed with children are being tested in different ways. What brings comfort is knowing that it is not what befalls us that shapes who we are, but that it is a Decree of our Creator (swt) that helps us turn to Him in our time of need.
Don’t lose hope, know that the real reward is with Allah. We might be given what our heart desires in the dunya, but what awaits us inshaAllah is much more superior. Imagine how lovingly Allah looks down at His servant when the servant shows sabr when facing a calamity.
Those 5 years of my life were difficult and very testing but looking back at it now that is when I turned to Allah in sincerity. Something maybe I wouldn’t have been able to do if I wasn’t feeling the pain in my heart.
Use what you are tested with as a means to gain closeness to Allah (my mother’s words), and then inshaAllah the burden doesn’t seem too heavy even though it is still there. From all the stories in the Quran and my own experience I now know that the most important aspect of dua isn’t when it’s answered, it’s the conversation you have with Allah, the one where you’re destitute and He is Supreme.
May Allah help us with all that He sends our way.
Below are some duas from the Quran that sisters can recite inshaAllah.
رَبِّ هَبْ لِي مِن لَّدُنكَ ذُرِّيَّةً طَيِّبَةً إِنَّكَ سَمِيعُ الدُّعَاءِ
O my Lord! Grant me from You, a good offspring. You are indeed the All-Hearer of invocation. (3:38)
رَبِّ لَا تَذَرْنِي فَرْدًا وَأَنتَ خَيْرُ الْوَارِثِينَ
O My Lord! Leave me not single (childless), though You are the Best of the
inheritors. (21:89)
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of
our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqun (25:74)
رَبِّ هَبْ لِي مِنَ الصَّالِحِينَ
My Lord! Grant me (offspring) from the righteous. (37:100)
Gilded Dunya 
Thank you for sharing this inspiring post. My dear friend had same problem but her daughter was born after 11 or 12 years. I felt so bad that I was even thinking that she could bring up one of my children . In reality it would not be possible. When her baby was born many sisters were praising Allah for this blessing. Alhamdulillah for guidance from our Rabb.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww that was a long wait but alham im sure worth it. Yes the test becomes ao difficult that it seems unbearable. But alhamdhulillah Allah blessed your friend too. I make dua we are all kept on His path. ameen.
LikeLike
Salaamu aleikoum sis, Machallah thank you for heartfelt post I have PCOS and after yrs of trying elhamdullah now I’m the proud mama of 4 … so dua does work wonders 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wasssalaam sis. Aww mashaAllah lovely to know youve now been blessed. Yes dua is a v powerful tool given to us. xx
LikeLike
This post is the most beautiful post I’ve read Subhan Allah, I literally have tears in my eyes. So expressive, so emotionally detailed, so beautifully and entriquently written. Allahumma baarik ‘alayki sis, I’m so glad that Allah has blessed you in more ways than one.
It takes true courage and patience to go through what you’ve mentioned and still have the mindset of knowing that Allah tests us because be loves us.
I ask Allah to bestow His countless blessings upon you and your family.
May your rank be elevated in the sight of Allah and amongst the successful on yawmul hisaab. 💕🌸
LikeLiked by 1 person
My dearest sis in Islam, your words are just too sweet alhamdhulillah. Ameen to your duas, may Allab keep this ummah towards Him. JazakAllahKhair sis for this comment, means a lot. xx
LikeLike
Salaam sisters, really happy for all those sisters who have been blessed with kid(s) I’m in the same boat, in’shah’allah one day Allah will bless me, I come from a big girly family had for me when all my sister’s come with there kids, I try to keep happy n smile, but my husband know after a family get together I fall apart I love kids but I not going to let go. Please sisters pray for me.
In’shah’allah me and my husband want to do hajj this year, struggling but don’t no how I will, I really want to start praying 🙏 but work and stuff get in the way. I don’t know where to start.
Sister u mentioned reading something about our prophet, I really don’t like reading but thing like that, does touch my heart and makes me strong.
In’shah’allah before I go I would like to start praying 5 times a day and making it habit.
Sister plz advice
Thank you
LikeLike
Wassalaam sis. InshaAllah I make dua Allah blesses you very soon and when He does all your pail eases. Its a very tough thing to go through, but remember it is just amongst all the tests Allah puts our way.
You mentioned you are off to Hajj, alhamdhulillah, thats very good – May Allah accept it from you.
In regards to salah all I can say is that no matter we as believers cannot neglect it – we must try our utmost best to pray all our salahs, and on time.
Dearest sister, trying building a relationship with the Quran – it is Allah’s words and gives great comfort and motivation.
I leave you with a dua, May you become close to Allah, and may He help you in all your affairs. Do check out some of the children related duas in the article and recite them often. It really helps.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on ummbilal01 and commented:
This is indeed awesome. Its important such women are made to remember they are not alone. May Allah gtant is all righteous offspring. Ameen. Jazwkillqhu khayr ya uktee and may Yusra be the coolness of your eyes. Now and forever…..ameen
LikeLike
MaashaaAllah, a very emotional and touching piece. Allah is surely ‘Al-Mujeeb’, the one who responds and at the same time ‘Al-Mu’akhkhir’ the One who delays. There’s this particular verse in the qur’an in suratul shuurah that i like where Allah SWT says ‘He gives to whom he wills females and to whom He wills males. Or He gives them both the males and the females and to whom He wills He leaves them barren’. Subhaanallah! Each time i hear people asking ‘what is the matter? Why havent you given birth?’ I’m always like – dont you know this aayah?? If he wants He might test one with barrenness and He has even mentioned it in the qur’an which i think is an honour that Allah has specifically spoken about you and so be rest assured that He hasnt forgotten about you and Allah is ‘Al-Hakim’ the most wise.
A year and a half ago i got married and ofcourse like most people, a baby was my number one priority. Today, this marriage, due to a very complex and difficult situation has to be dissolved. And my inlaws arent making things any easier. I often wonder ‘what if Allah had given me a baby as soon as we got married’? You might not really understand what i’m saying since you do not know the full story but all i want my sisters out there to understand is that ‘what you think is a disappintment might turn out to be a blessing’. Truly, Allah is Al-Hakim. May He grant us all what is best for us at the right time, aameen.
Once more, jazaakillah ukhtee for your lovely piece. May yusrah be the coolness of your eyes and a haafidhah, aameen.
LikeLiked by 2 people
May Allah reward you for your patience. JazakAllahu khairan for sharing this deeply moving piece.
LikeLike
Umm Yusra, Thank you for writing this post. It makes people like me in similar situations feel better. And you are right, it’s a test -in that how we react to it is what matters. I too have been able to retrospect on things, mend my ways and grow closer to the Qur’an during this wait. Alhamdulillah. However ,I wish that someone whom I meet for the first time in life don’t ask me questions like -“How long have you been married “as though to assess something. Hopefully posts like yours will create awareness. Thanks again.
LikeLike
Assalam o alaikum umm Yusra , Jazakallah khaire for this uplifting article . I am going through similar situation .
LikeLike
Salaam Sr.
You wrote beautifully what many women go through but just can’t express. Your story is very similar to mine: 5 years, no reason but Allah’s reason for the delay. And Allah is the best of planners. I pray for all the women who want a child and the advice you give them is so true. We have to do our part meaning to worship, get closer to Allah, make du’a in the last third of the night, seek professional help, take care of our health, everything.And yes, developing a relationship with the Qur’an is crucial. Thank you for your courage for writing this and may Allah accept all the dua’s that we make for those who want to become parents.
LikeLike
This is beautiful ❤ I just cried silently thinking of my test and others. Ur write up gave me strength once again. JazakAllahu khairan for sharing this piece of heart.
LikeLike
Asalam mu alaaykum wa rahmatullah sis
I have tears pouring out like rain reading your post SubhanAllah. As someone who has been married for 5 years, but no children, I felt your every word. Knowing that other sisters who have gone through this and found the strength, tawakaal and acceptance to keep going is reassuring for me. Being surrounded with mothers, I often wonder whether there is an online community, a blog or support for sisters struggling with this and ways on how to navigate the trials better. I would be truly grateful if you know any such support systems and could share.
Jazakallah khayr for sharing your personal story. It helped me in ways beyond words. May Allah preserve you. Ameen
LikeLike
Very inspiring. It’s great that your story has a happy ending MashaAllah.
I have been married for 5+ years and battling with infertility ever since. All around me, I’m surrounded by friends and relatives who have just given birth or are in the process of doing so. There’s always baby talk going on. Outwardly, I’m happy for them, but inwardly, my heart bleeds with pain and hurt and emptiness. I feel deprived and unblessed.
I keep hoping and praying for a miracle to occur.
LikeLike
Assalamalaikum dear sister,
This is one of the best post I have read so far. Every sentence, every word is exactly how i feel and go through. Its been 6 years, I am struggling to conceive without any reason and this is how i exactly i feel. I dont have words to express how i felt while reading your post. Jazakallah khair for sharing your inspiring story.
May Allah bless you and your family.
Remember me in your duas.
LikeLike